Expression
I feel disconnected, unplugged, disengaged, disoriented and discharged. I feel scared, lost, lonely and confused.
I've learned more about God over the last 5 years than the entirety of the previous 15 years of my life. I've discovered that I suck and I'm selfish. I've learned that He's always reaching out to us while we're too busy holding on to ourselves.
Somewhere along this roller coaster of spiritual highs and lows... Somewhere in this corridor of life... Somewhere along the way... I've lost myself, perspective and focus. I've lost track of what's important and become engulfed in the little things. I've allowed myself to become cut off from friends, family and God.
I don't know how to say any of this. It's in my head, my heart and the tip of my tongue. My lips part and my mouth opens but... Silence. I can put this into writing. I can express myself in prose or music but can't say what I want.
I want to feel whole; Not like an empty shadow.
I want to play drums; Just for myself, not to be a rockstar.
I want to be involved; With my family and friends.
I want to give up control and LIVE KNOWING He's in control.
1 comment:
"Great art Thou, O Lord, and greatly to be praised; great is Thy power, and of Thy wisdom there is no end. And man, being a part of Thy creation, desires to praise Thee, man, who bears about with him his mortality, the witness of his sin, even the witness that Thou "resistest the proud," --yet man, this part of Thy creation, desires to praise Thee. Thou movest us to delight in praising Thee; for Thou hast formed us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless till they find rest in Thee.
Oh! how shall I find rest in Thee? Who will send Thee into my heart to inebriate it, so that I may forget my woes, and embrace Thee my only good? What art Thou to me? Have compassion on me, that I may speak. What am I to Thee that Thou demandest my love, and unless I give it Thee art angry, and threatenest me with great sorrows? Is it, then, a light sorrow not to love Thee? Alas! alas! tell me of Thy compassion, O Lord my God, what Thou art to me. "Say unto my soul, I am thy salvation." So speak that I may hear. Behold, Lord, the ears of my heart are before Thee; open Thou them, and "say unto my soul, I am thy salvation." When I hear, may I run and lay hold on Thee. Hide not Thy face from me. Let me die, lest I die, if only I may see Thy face.
Cramped is the dwelling of my soul; do Thou expand it, that Thou mayest enter in. It is in ruins, restore Thou it."
-Augustine of Hippo, Confessions-
You are writing exactly what I have written the past several years. It's hard, yet it's great. Keep thinking and being broken and don't ever forget that you're selfish and you suck. I'll be praying for you.
Post a Comment